Forgiveness

   I've been through a lot in my life. I've been through some things that people have never even dreamed of. I've done some stupid things too. Things that I'm not proud of. Then again, I think we all have. People have hurt all of us. Where it all starts though, is what we choose to due with the hurt caused by other people's actions.
   When I was younger, I would keep grudges against people. If they wronged me, I remembered it. I held a grudge. Every time that I would see them, my blood would start to boil. I would get angry. The thing of it was, was that it wasn't bugging the people that hurt me.  All it was doing, was getting me mad and ruining my day.
   As I've gotten older, I've come to realize that you need to forgive people. Let the pain and hurt go. It does you absolutely no good holding on to it. The longer you hold onto it, the longer it eats at you. It steals your peace from you. Turn it over to God. Let Him handle all the hurt and pain that is in your life. Forgive the people that hurt you. It's not that they deserve the forgiveness, but you deserve the peace!

Memories of Grandma

   On September 26, 2013, I lost my grandma. She had gone for 10 years with undiagnosed Lupus. It had completely wrecked her body. Eventually, it took it's toll on her. I watched her go from this fun-loving, laughing person to a shell. I watched this disease steal my grandma's life.
   My grandma was a vibrant, fun-loving person. Her favorite things to watch were HSN, QVC, and RFD-TV. (She loved Marty Stuart)  She knew her customer number to HSN and QVC by heart. She loved using me as her guinea pig on the new products she had bought....I was all for it because I got to spend time with her. There was also music in grandma's house. It was everything from Elvis, the Rolling Stones, The Beach Boys, J.D. Sumner and the Stamps Quartet, Charlie Pride, Bon Jovi, and everything in between. Between her and my mom, this is where I got my love of all types of music. When it came to school dances, she would always do my nails. That was our special time. If grandpa would go out town for something, I would go out and spend the night with her. We would always end up watching a scary movie. Then we would end up barricading ourselves in the house. If there would have been a fire, there is no way we could have made it out! We were always getting ourselves into something. I spent a lot of my free time with her. We didn't have to do anything special. We didn't even have to talk. As long as we were with each other, we were happy. We didn't have your typical grandmother/granddaughter relationship. We were best friends.
  On September 26, 2013, she received her ultimate healing. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her. The littlest thing can trigger a memory. I'm thankful for those and the promise that I will one day see her again. 
  Lupus is a terrible disease. It can slowly take away everything from a person. I refuse to let this happen to me. I'm going to fight it. I will fight it with all that I have. Am I going to have my bad days? YES! But I won't give up. I may slow down, but I won't stop. This disease will not will not take me.

Our Little Angel

  Today our little Angel would have five years old. It is so hard to believe!

   When I was 20, I was diagnosed with PCOS or polycystic ovarian syndrome. It cut the chances of me having children to slim to nothing. So when I married James, we got pregnant right off the bat. We were ecstatic! It was a miracle!
   Everything with the pregnancy was going wonderfully. We had doctor's appointments set up, we were buying baby things, and we were loving life. Then an unbearable thing happened. At the time, James was traveling with the Blackwood Quartet and they were performing in Maggie Valley, North Carolina. I felt a sharp pain, and I knew right then that I was loosing the baby. I called James and told him he needed to come home. Ron Blackwood was so kind and sent James on his way home. I was in so much pain. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't understand why God was doing this. We went in on Monday for an ultrasound. I was hoping that by some miracle that the baby was still there. That he/she was ok. Sadly, that wasn't the case. The doctor came in, sat with us, cried with us, and even prayed with us. She was amazing. I will always hold a special place in my heart for her. For the longest time I was mad at God. I didn't understand why he would give us this miracle and then take it away from us.
  Our baby's birth date came. It was a very hard day. I was emotionally a wreck.We went to the river, said a prayer, and put some roses in the river. All of the sudden, four geese got on each side of the flowers and started following them down the river. At that moment, I had such peace. It was freeing.
  Every year that our Angel's birthday comes around, James and I do a little something in remembrance of he/she. Whether it is releasing balloons or something else, we have our moment of remembrance.
   This year, I have chosen JOY!  It doesn't mean that I have forgotten our little one. It doesn't mean that I haven't thought about what could have been. It means that on this day, I choose to be happy! I have so many things to be grateful for. I have the love of my life beside me every day to walk out this thing called life with me. I have a beautiful "step" daughter that I have loved since the first day I met her almost 6 years ago. I have two of the most adorable grand babies around. My life hasn't turned out how I thought it would be......it is so much better!

  

The "Death" Sentence

  When I was diagnosed with SLE last year, people started feeling sorry for me. Some thought oh my gosh....does this mean you are going to die young? How long are you going to live? Since your grandma died from complications of it, are you going to die the same way?
   To say that I was overwhelmed at my diagnosis, is an understatement. So many thoughts were racing through my mind. I didn't know what was next. Where do I go from here? What is life going to have in store for me? I didn't know.
  As this journey with Lupus is taking place, I'm realizing that it is far from a death sentence. It isn't the end of the world. It is forcing me to live my life. I have to fight for every day that I have. The littlest of things completely wears me out. For instance, getting myself dressed for the day sometime wears me out. Taking a shower sometimes wears me out. Going out and spending time with my husband, friends, and family wears me out. Going to the store wears me out. These are all normal things that "normal" people. If I over due it a day, I'm no good the next. I'm now having to learn what I can do, and what I can't do. Every day that I have is truly a gift of God. There are several people that are keeping me going. They encourage me everyday. Knowing that with God and my great support system, I have a GREAT life ahead of me.

James - my amazing husband

My Mom and Grandpa

My Amazing "Step" Daughter JoBeth

My Beautiful Granddaughter Carley

My Adorable Grandson Cole

These are just a few of the reasons I keep going. God has truly blessed me with some amazing people. I could easily just give up and let this disease take over, but I refuse to let it get me down. God has BIG things in store.

God's Beauty

   Since I have been sick, photography has become a passion of mine. Whether its trying to boost a women's self-confidence, taking family pictures, or taking ones of God's creation, I love it. I see things that a lot people don't see. When it hits me, James says that I go into my own little world. I believe that this is one of my gifts from God. I get to show people His beauty in ways that the have never seen it.  Here are some of the pictures that I have taken over the past couple of years.

Brain Fog

   I hate Brain Fog. I'm 29, soon to be 30 years old, and most days I feel like an old lady. I walk into a room and forget what I went in there for. I can't think of names of things that I should know. I stop in mid-conversation thinking I had finished what I was saying. I get confused really easily. I have to have things repeated to me at least twice for my brain to comprehend it. Even then, I usually end up forgetting it. There are times when I am talking, that it turns to gibberish. I then have to slowly pronounce each word. Also, when I write I usually leave words out. To say that it is frustrating is an understatement. Luckily, James will finish my thoughts for me and he is extremely patient with me. My family and friends are getting used to it. I just have to laugh at it or else I will cry about it. I keep telling my self that God DOES have a plan. There is a reason that I am going through this. I just don't know why yet. One day though, I will.

 

More Than Just a Husband

  

   I've been married to my husband, James, for close to 6 years now. I met him on Mother's Day morning in 2009 at a southern Gospel concert in Connersville, Indiana. I had followed the Stamps Quartet since I was 5 years old. James was playing piano for them the day that I met him. The moment that I met him, I knew that he was the one that God had picked for me. After the concert, James and I talked about everything under the sun. He kept wrapping the cord over and over again. He asked for my number, and I gave it to him. As my mom and I were driving home, I get a phone call. It was him. I was smiling from ear to ear. Actually, I was pretty much freaking out! I couldn't believe it was him. From that moment on, we spent every free moment on the phone with each other. We had our first date two weeks later. Nine days later he asked my mom for my hand in marriage. On June 24th, 2009, we were married. A lot of people said that we wouldn't last 6 months. Little did they know that God had His hand on the whole thing. The March before we met, James was on the East Coast. A pastor friend of his told him that he needed to stop looking for his wife. That God had one picked out for him. It was going to be a fast work, so don't let it scare you. I was in Nashville, TN with a pastor friend of mine. He told me that I needed to stop looking for my husband. God had him picked out for me. It was going to be a fast work so don't let it scare you. Boy was it fast!
  I was finally diagnosed with SLE in 2014 and have since started treatment for it. I'm so incredibly thankful for James. He has been so much more than just a husband. He has stuck with me through everything. When the pain became unbearable, he would hold me. He went to every single doctors appointment. He cried with me when I cried. He rejoiced when I rejoiced. To say that he has been amazing is an understatement. When others would give up, he stayed with me. I know that it hasn't been easy on him, but he has been nothing short of amazing. He hasn't just been a husband, he has been my best friend, prayer warrior, my companion, my caretaker, my encourager, and so much more. I thank God every single day for him.